Greener’s Goats, Goons and Buffoons Week #2

I am pleased to announce that this weeks honors have been awarded to an entire team, the Toronto Maple Leafs.  This is not just because the Leafs have gone 0-5-1 in the first 6 games.  Rather, it is because of the way they have lost each game that earns the entire team all 3 of this weeks titles.

All teams will have a losing streak during the season, thats a given.  And a poor start will not always kill a teams chances to be playing in May.  The St Louis Blues were 15th in the Western Conference in January during last season and still managed to get into the playoffs, so in theory it is still possible for Toronto to turn this all around.  But if the first 2 weeks were any indication, Leafs fans should not be holding their breath for playoff hockey and Burke should be trying to blackmail the Bruins for their number 1 pick back in next summers draft.

Goats: Go ahead and pick any number of players or reasons why the Leafs are off to a terrible start.  Each reason has validity

Goaltending: Vesa Toskala.  I like to call him ‘Tootsie Toskala’ as I am positive he pees himself a little each time a shot is directed at him.  It helps to explain why he loses his concentration and lets in bad goals.  If you had pee freezing around your groin you would lose your concentration as well buddy.  Tootsie has been anointed the number 1 goalie and he is having a terrible start.  In 4 games he has a save percentage of .812 and a G.A.A. of 5.56.  He is playing so bad he could throw himself in front of an oncoming locomotive and miss it entirely.   The only good fortune the Leafs have had with Tootsie in net is that he hurt his knee in his last start and is now out 10 -14 days.  Rookie goalie Jonas Gustavsson’s numbers are not that much better but he has a groin pull so the Leafs brass was forced to put Joey MacDonald in net against the Avalanche, and he never fared much better than the other two sieves.  

Team Defense: Last season the Leafs lead the NHL with 293 goals against for an average of 3.57 goals against per game and they had the worst penalty killing in the league.  Fast forward to the off-season and G.M. Brian Burke addresses this defensive concern by signing free agents Mike Komisarek and Francois Beauchemin, who were 2 quality defenders on their previous teams, and trades for Thrashers defenseman Garnet Exelby.   Six games into this season they have allowed 28 goals for an average of 4.66 per game .  And guess what?  Their penalty killing is the worst in the league again.  With Luke Schenn’s play taking a step back, Ian White is again the best defenseman on the team.  Am I watching Groundhog Day?  Is Bill Murray a master of disguise and dressing up as Brian Burke?  This is a grim example of when you think it just can’t get any worse…it does.

Forwards:  The plight of the Leafs is a lesson in team futility.  The Leafs’ forwards are not scoring, they are not backchecking, they are not winning battles for loose pucks, they are not blocking shots, hell, they are not doing anything but sucking.  There does not seem to be even a 60-point player amongst them.  Jason Blake is a -4 and if I were the opposing team I would let him and Mikhail Grabovsky carry the puck every chance I could.  Blake and Grabovsky are as soft as the fur on a newborn kitten.  They do not drive to the net, but instead, they skate like the wind and fly down the left wing, circle behind the net, emerge out the right side, realize that they don’t have a play and then throw the puck towards the goal.  The opposing team collects the puck and skates out of their zone.  They have to be easier to defend against than a house league pee wee team. 

Goons: Jay Rosehill and Colton Orr.  Between the two, they have 1 goal, are a collective -4 and have amassed 42 minutes in penalties.  Burke wanted toughness and he got it with these two.  It is just too bad and none of it is rubbing off on the rest of the pussycats.

Buffoons: I know that most hockey players are not candidates to be a part of Mensa, but how many times do you have to be told not to do something and then go right ahead and do it?  The Leafs have been guilty of taking a penalty right after they have scored and begin to regain some momentum.  This has happened in almost every game they have played so far.  Despite all the warnings from the coaching staff that they can’t keep taking a cheap penalty right after they score, the Leafs players, ‘ahem *cough* Komisarek’, as if on cue, take a penalty the very next shift after they have gotten on the scoreboard.  Seeing it is pretty much proven that they can’t kill off penalties, the opposing teams regularly score during the ensuing powerplay.  And how are people who have played the game for almost 20 years, and have gotten good enough to be paid millions of dollars a year, not able to ice the puck when killing a penalty?  It is astounding just how bad this team has been in their first 6 games.  If I screwed up at my job as much as these guys do on a regular basis I would be perpetually unemployed.  Phil Kessel should delay his rehabilitation on his shoulder before he tarnishes any reputation he has and hits the ice with these stiffs.

Greener \m/